The flashlight effect: how to break free of negative mindset loops

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In this week's episode of the podcast, I’m sharing a game-changing tool to break free from negative mindset loops that keep you stressed, overwhelmed, and stuck in the “not enough” cycle. It’s called the Flashlight-Floodlight Effect, and it will shift how you see yourself, your work, and your life. I’m walking you through 3 real-life examples so you can apply this right away. If you’re tired of feeling like you’re always behind, this episode is for you.  

Topics in this episode:

  • How your brain traps you in stress and guilt 

  • Why shifting perspective changes everything 

  • Breaking free from burnout and overworking 

  • Setting boundaries without guilt 

  • A mindset challenge to try this week 

Show Notes & References:

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Transcript

Introduction

This week on the podcast, I'm sharing a tool that I developed for my clients so they can better understand how to get out of negative mindset loops. A negative mindset loop is one that leaves you feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and, not good enough or behind, and ultimately has you over prioritizing work, which leads to burnout. But in today's episode, I'm going to give you a visual representation of how to end the negative mindset loops and literally shed light on all of the different opinions and perspectives that you can have of yourself, of your life, and of any particular situation. I'm diving into three very specific examples to help you best understand this tool. I mean, this episode is going to get super practical. So are you ready? Let's get to it.

Welcome to the ambitious imbalanced working moms podcast, your go to resource for integrating your career ambitions with life as a mom. I'm distilling down thousands of coaching conversations I've had with working moms just like you, along with my own personal experience as a mom of two and sharing the most effective tools and strategies to help you quickly feel calm, confident, and in control of your ambitious working mom life. You ready? Let's get to it.

The Summer Camp Scramble Is Real

Hello, my friends. I know many of you out there—even though it's just March—have already started the summer camp scramble. In my neck of the woods, summer camps have become very competitive, and sign-ups start super early.

So if you're in my boat, I just want you to know that I totally see you. I see you.

I find this season of planning the summer and planning childcare to be very stressful, and I just want you to be very kind to yourself in this moment. I know your intention is to make sure your kids are happy, that they have a safe and fun place to go, and that wonderful memories are made this summer. And all of that is possible.

I might even do an upcoming episode on this, because I know so many of you struggle with this season—this moment of trying to come up with summer options for your kids. But I just want you to remember to be extra kind to yourself if you're in that boat like me, or whenever that season comes up for you.

The Secret to Sustainable Work-Life Balance

All right, so let's move into today's episode. We're going to be talking about something that came up on our first Ambitious and Balanced call. Today was the very first meeting for the February cohort that just formed, and we met for about 90 minutes.

It was a workshop focused completely on understanding the essence of what work-life balance is—and what it’s not. We worked on developing common language to understand what creates sustainable work-life balance that you can actually control.

And I taught them a tool that I want to bring to you today.

Why Your Inner Dialogue Shapes Everything

To be honest, I didn’t even think about this as a tool at first. It started as a metaphor I came up with to help my clients better understand the role of mindset and inner dialogue—and how impactful that is in creating balance and a regret-free life.

But I kept using it. And I kept getting feedback that it was really helpful—like a visual that made the idea click. So I decided to bring it to you here.

I call this tool the Flashlight–Floodlight Effect.

It’s useful for helping you get out of mindset loops of guilt and stress—or what I like to call your “not enoughness.” Really, it helps with any mindset loop where you feel stuck.

How Your Brain Defaults to the Negative

Let’s start with the flashlight. This is the way your brain naturally operates—your brain in default mode.

Essentially, the flashlight effect has your brain hyper-focused on just one perspective of a situation or a moment. Just like bringing a flashlight into a dark room: the light beam only hits a narrow point, and you can only see one thing it’s pointed at. That’s exactly how your brain works in default mode.

Seeing Only One Thought Out of Dozens

If I were to draw this out, I’d sketch a stick figure (you) with a giant thought bubble that takes up the whole page. Inside that thought bubble are dozens of possible thoughts: I’m enough. I’m not good enough. I’m a great mom.I can figure this out.

All sorts of positive and negative thoughts floating around at the same time.

But the flashlight only illuminates one. Out of dozens, your brain fixates on a single thought, even though so many others are available.

The #1 Thought That Traps Working Moms in Stress

Here’s an example I shared with the cohort this morning. Imagine it’s the end of your workday. You intended to get 10 things done, but you only got two.

What’s the first thought that pops into your brain? Almost universally, the answer was: I didn’t get enough done today.Closely followed by: I must be incompetent, or I should have figured this out.

Sound familiar? It makes sense—your flashlight is focused on what you didn’t do. Another flavor of that thought could be: I’m behind. I should have gotten more done.

How “I Didn’t Get Enough Done” Steals Your Evenings

When your brain zeroes in on thoughts like: I didn’t get enough done today, I’m behind, or I’m incompetent, it sends you into a stress cycle.

You feel inadequate. You feel “not enough.” And that often leads you to stay available after hours, or even log back on later just to check a couple more things off.

Even if you don’t, those thoughts probably stay with you. You’re ruminating, thinking about the things you should have done. And that robs you of being present with your family at the end of the workday.

This is such a common stress loop for working moms.

When Asking for Help Feels Like Failure

Let me give you another example—another flashlight example. I’m going to give you three total.

This one came from a woman in my last cohort of Ambitious and Balanced. She came to one of her coaching calls and said she was struggling to ask for help. Actually, she said this had always been something she struggled with. She just had a really hard time asking for help.

When I asked her why, she said: “It feels like I failed. Asking for help almost feels like an admission that I couldn’t do it all, that I’m not good enough.”

And because asking for help was associated with failure, not only did she avoid asking, she pushed herself to do even more. She said yes to lots of things because she already didn’t feel enough—and now she had to prove herself even more.

That’s a failure loop. The flashlight view had her hyper-focused on one way of seeing asking for help: as failure.

The Guilt Loop So Many Working Moms Face

Here’s another example—from my own life.

Just in the last couple of weeks, as I’ve been wrapping up the final touches for the next Ambitious and Balanced cohort, I’ve had to work more hours than I usually do. And I knew that ahead of time. I made that decision intentionally.

But my daughter noticed. She saw me logged on more than usual—working a little over the weekend, working past 4:30 when she normally comes home. She didn’t know my plan, she just saw me as unavailable.

So she kept asking: “When are you gonna be done, Mom? When are you gonna be done?”

If I had stayed in a flashlight view, it would have made me feel really guilty—like I was taking away time from my daughter, that I wasn’t being a good enough mom. That’s the guilt loop.

Breaking Free from “Not Enough” Thinking

But because I had made an intentional choice, I didn’t fall into that guilt spiral. Instead, I was able to say: “Hey girl, I’m so sorry. This is a busy season, and I need to work right now. But I promise, come Monday the 24th, I’ll have so much more time to be with you.”

I could have been trapped in guilt, thinking: “I shouldn’t be working right now. I should be with my daughter. I’m not a good enough mom.”

Those are the kinds of loops—the guilt loop, the failure loop, the inadequacy loop—that are fueled by the flashlight perspective.

From Flashlight to Floodlight: A Game-Changing Shift

But here’s the truth: your brain doesn’t have to remain a flashlight.

Go back to my drawing. Picture that huge thought bubble with dozens of perspectives inside it. While a flashlight can only focus on one, a floodlight can illuminate them all.

The floodlight shows you every possible perspective—every thought and opinion you could hold about yourself or the moment.

And when you shift from flashlight to floodlight, you literally open up your ability to choose. You see that your first thought about a situation isn’t the only one. It’s not just automatic—it’s also a choice.

That’s what makes this tool so powerful.

Work-Life Balance You Can Control

In the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms community, work-life balance is something I want you to feel in control of.

That means you’re not dependent on anyone else’s reaction, any situation, or outside circumstances to experience balance. Instead, you can learn to turn that feeling on like a light switch.

It starts with recognizing that you always have the option to put down the flashlight in your mind and pick up a floodlight. With a floodlight, when you enter the dark room, you can see every corner, every crevice, every object. And when you see it all, you’re in a better position to decide which path to take.

From Stress Loops to Contentment Loops

Let’s go back to the first example—the stress loop at the end of your workday.

With the flashlight effect, you finish your day having completed only 2 out of 10 things on your list, and your mind zooms in on: “I didn’t get enough done. I’m behind. I’m incapable.”

That narrow focus triggers stress, guilt, and inadequacy.

But the floodlight effect widens the view. It reminds you: “I focused on what mattered most. Unexpected things happen. I’ll catch up tomorrow.”

That shift leads to contentment. And contentment allows you to shut down, stay shut down for the night, and be present with your family—balanced, calm, and satisfied.

Asking for Help Is Strength, Not Failure

The second example came from a working mom in my last cohort who felt like asking for help meant failure. Her flashlight perspective was: “If I ask for help, I must not be good enough.”

But the floodlight offers a very different view. Asking for help can mean efficiency—more minds on a problem equals faster solutions. It prevents wasted time reinventing the wheel. And it allows others to experience the joy of helping, just as you love to support them.

With the flashlight, she was stuck in a failure loop. With the floodlight, she stepped into a teamwork loop, even a loop of care and love. And when you feel cared for, more gets done, the mental load gets shared, and suddenly there’s more space for fun, spontaneity, and balance.

From Guilt to Empowerment as a Working Mom

The third example was my own. My daughter noticed me working longer hours while I was preparing the next cohort launch. From her perspective, I wasn’t available. She kept asking: “When will you be done, Mom?”

The flashlight perspective would have sent me straight into the guilt loop: “I’m not a great mom. I’m neglecting her.”

But with the floodlight, I saw another truth: I was modeling responsibility, clarity, and purpose. By explaining to her why this mattered for me, my work, and our family, I showed her empowerment and integrity in action.

The floodlight perspective allowed me to feel solid in my decision, not weighed down by guilt.

Choose Your Perspective, Choose Your Balance

When you put down the flashlight and pick up the floodlight, you regain control.

You get to decide what perspective to hold in any situation. You can intentionally end stress, guilt, and failure loops. And when you do, it becomes so much easier to protect boundaries, be present with your family, and choose rest and fun with ease.

Your Challenge This Week: Catch the Flashlight Moments

So here’s what I want to challenge you with this week: catch the flashlight effect moments.

When you find yourself in stress, overwhelm, guilt, or failure—literally stop and ask yourself:

  • How else can I think about this right now?

  • If this was a floodlight moment, what other perspective could I see?

  • What’s another perspective that’s also true?

  • What would I say to my child if they were struggling with this?

These questions are powerful. They push you to drop the flashlight and open up the floodlight—to recognize that in any given moment, there are dozens of perspectives available.

End the Negative Loops and Choose Calm Instead

Some perspectives will lead you into stress, guilt, and failure loops. But others will help you feel calm, content, valuable, in control, and loved.

You always have a choice about which perspective you want to hold. My friends, it is time to take back your mindset. Take back the way you’re thinking. End the negative loops that cause you to burn out and hold back.

Join the Next Cohort of Ambitious and Balanced

The next cohort of Ambitious and Balanced begins in May. You’ll want to join the waitlist, because I always offer something special to the people on that list.

You can sign up at www.ambitiousandbalanced.com/waitlist.

And in the meantime, make sure you’re on my email list. I’m offering free workshops, trainings, and tools to help you create massive transformation on your own. I’ll drop the link in the show notes so you don’t miss a thing.

Book Your Free Breakthrough Call

The next step to getting unstuck and having more days where you bounce out of bed—confident that you’re doing exactly what you want to be doing—is to book a free breakthrough call.

On this strategy call, I’ll guide you through setting a vision for the life you want as a working mom. Then, I’ll lay out a step-by-step plan for how we’ll achieve that together through 1:1 coaching.

You can book your call at www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/book.

Working moms, let’s get to it.

Rebecca Olson