Afraid to Change? Why Your Internal Dialogue is Holding You Back

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Today we're tackling something that so many of us struggle with - negative self-talk. You might think that inner critic has been the key to your success, pushing you to achieve, get things done, and stay on top of everything. 

But here’s the truth: it’s also holding you back.

If you’ve ever feared that letting go of self-criticism would make you lazy or complacent, this episode is for you. I’ll show you why your success has never depended on negativity and give you 5 powerful alternatives to help you stay motivated, productive, and most importantly, happy. Ready to make the shift? Let’s get to it.  

Topics in this episode:

  • Self-criticism isn’t the secret to success 

  • Negative self-talk is holding you back 

  • You can be successful and happy 

  • Five better ways to stay motivated 

  • A simple shift to feel more confident

Show Notes & References:

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Transcript

Intro

Let's chat for a moment about negative self talk. I know for a lot of women, negative self talk has been a driver of success because it has literally whipped you into action and helped you to achieve and get things done and push through and deliver on time. But it has also been a barrier to your happiness. You will never be able to achieve a life that feels balanced when your internal self talk makes you feel bad about yourself. The problem is, for so many working moms, the idea of dropping the negative self talk brings about fear. Fear of failure, fear of laziness, fear of complacency, fear of being held back. And so in today's episode, I want to debunk that idea that your success has ever been tied to negative self talk. And I'm gonna offer you five alternatives to help you be extremely successful and productive, but still make you feel pretty good. Are you ready? Let's get to it.

Welcome to the, Ambitious imbalanced working moms podcast, your go to resource for integrating your career ambitions with life as a mom. I'm distilling down thousands of coaching conversations I've had with working moms just like you, along with my own personal experience as a mom of two and sharing the most effective tools and strategies to help you quickly feel calm, confident, and in control of your ambitious working mom life. You ready? Let's get to it.

Celebrating Wins for Ambitious Working Moms

Hello. Hello. Hello.

I hope you had the most amazing weekend—that there was some fun, some rest, and some good me time at some point this weekend.

This has been a big hot topic among my Ambitious and Balanced cohort that just started last week. I've been getting these messages all morning, which is why it’s on my mind. And I just want to celebrate that these women are actually taking time for themselves—maybe for the first time in weeks, if not months… maybe even since their kids have been born.

“I Took Two Hours for Myself”

I’m getting messages that say things like:

“I took two hours for myself this weekend, all by myself, no kids. It was the most luxurious thing I could have ever done.”

Or another woman telling me about how she was reading books—actually picking up a book and making real progress this weekend—and prioritizing that instead of cleaning and organizing her house.

Another shared how she finally picked up an audiobook she’d been wanting to listen to for a long time.

Yes. Yes. And YES.

Little Things That Matter in a Big Way

I am celebrating what I know just feels like little things—but in the end, really learning to prioritize yourself and have time for yourself is such a huge part of being an ambitious and balanced working mom.

So I am celebrating these little wins, and I want to celebrate your little wins too.

Is there maybe a little nook of time that you took for yourself this past weekend or over this past week? Is there something you did just for you to really honor you and your time?

If you did, take a moment—let yourself smile, literally give yourself a pat on the back. Celebrate that you are, in fact, prioritizing something that matters most… and that is you.

If “Me Time” Feels Impossible Right Now

If you are somebody who has not done that in weeks, months, or even years… if you have not been taking time to prioritize yourself and the idea of doing that feels overwhelming—like you have no idea how you’d ever fit in time just for you on a regular basis—then Ambitious and Balanced is the perfect program for you.

I am going to teach you step-by-step exactly what it takes to:

  • Prioritize yourself

  • Prioritize being connected to your family

  • Prioritize your work and your work tasks

  • Prioritize not working—being fully off work

These are the four essential priorities of the program.

Taking Back Control of Your Time and Energy

I’m going to teach you exactly how to hold to those priorities on a regular basis so that you take back control of your timeand energy—and be not just a successful working mom, but a happy, balanced one as well.

So if that’s you, know that the next cohort starts in May, and I would love to talk to you.

You can go to RebeccaOlsonCoaching.com/ambitiousandbalanced and click one of the buttons to get on the waitlist to find out exactly when the next cohort opens. I’ll be sending out information over the coming weeks and into the next month—so definitely be on the waitlist.

The Conversation That Sparked This Episode

Okay, so the conversation we’re going to have today actually came up in the Ambitious and Balanced cohort last week.

It’s such a common conversation I have with women when we start to really dig into what’s required to create sustainable work-life balance—to have the career you truly desire and be the engaged parent you want to be.

The Resistance to Change

When we get into the nitty-gritty of what it’s going to take to do this in a sustainable way, I find that many ambitious women actually resist the change.

That’s because a huge part of creating a life that feels balanced is shifting how you talk to yourself.

“I’m Not Enough” Thinking Will Block Balance Every Time

You will never be able to experience a life of balance if your internal dialogue is skewed toward the negative.

Meaning, you can’t continue to think thoughts like:

  • “I’m not enough.”

  • “I’m not doing enough.”

  • “I should be doing more.”

  • “I need to prove myself.”

  • “People are disappointed in me.”

  • “I’m not a good enough mom.”

  • “I can do better than this.”

It doesn’t matter how good you are at holding to your boundaries, sticking to your priorities, or taking time for yourself to rest and have fun—if your internal dialogue makes you feel terrible about yourself, you’re never going to achieve balance.

Why My Coaching Approach Is Different

This is one of the things that really sets me apart from a lot of other coaches and influencers who talk about work-life balance.

I’m not just addressing the behavior changes, time management strategies, and habits that need to shift—I’m changing the internal voice inside of you.

Because I know that creating not just work-life balance, but sustainable work-life balance—the kind that feels repeatable in any situation, in any circumstance, in any job—requires a positive, compassionate, and loving relationship with yourself.

The Problem with Building Success on Self-Criticism

The problem I see in a lot of ambitious women who come to work with me is this: they feel like they’ve built their success as a working mom—and their career—on self-criticism.

It feels like their relentless drive, their internal voice that acts like a whip, has been the thing pushing them forward.

So today, in this episode, I want to dive into the idea that self-criticism has been your mechanism for success. I want to debunk that theory altogether so we can talk about what’s required for you to shift your internal dialogue—so you have both an internal experience of balance and an external one.

How the Self-Criticism Cycle Works

Let me start by talking about how this works and why this even matters.

I’m going to use one of my clients as an example. She’s a perfectionist. She always has this need to feel over-prepared, yet she always feels like she’s under-prepared—for absolutely everything.

Whether we’re talking about a presentation she’s giving tomorrow, an important meeting coming up, a crucial conversation, or a client debrief, her brain is always offering her the thought that she needs to be more prepared—that she hasn’t prepared enough.

The Inner Critic’s Script

It sort of sounds like this in her head:

“You didn’t get enough done today. You’re not ready. There’s more you could have done. How dare you not prepare more? You’re going to look like a fool if you don’t prepare more. You should really be preparing more. You’re going to have to sacrifice yourself in order to do that. You’re not enough.”

Notice these thoughts—they’re almost like a little devil sitting on your shoulder, pointing out all the ways you’re failing: as a worker, as a mom, as a human.

The “Whip” That Drives Overwork

The image that comes to mind for me—and I’ve said this before—is that it’s like a whip. Literally, like how a jockey uses a whip to get their horse to go faster.

In this case, these thoughts are whipping my client into action—in her case, into being more and more prepared.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

Imagine this: she gets to the end of her workday and she has a presentation tomorrow. Her brain starts to whip her:

“You didn’t get enough done today. You should have gotten more done. You’re not prepared enough. You’re going to look like a fool tomorrow. People will know you’re not good at your job if you don’t prepare more.”

So what do you think she’s going to do tonight? Do you think she’s going to shut down, be present, and be engaged with her family?

Of course not. She’s likely going to log back on and do more work—prepare a little more, go over that presentation one more time, tweak the slides, adjust her notes ever so slightly.

Or, if she doesn’t do that, she’ll just ruminate about it. She’ll feel anxious, she’ll feel under-prepared. She might not sleep as well, and she’ll wake up with that nervous, flighty feeling inside her body.

“But What If She Really Isn’t Prepared?”

Now, here’s the thing—you might be thinking, Yes, Rebecca, but what if she is, in fact, not prepared?

Like, what if she really isn’t prepared enough? Maybe she does need to be doing a little bit more.

The Truth About “Prepared Enough”

Here’s the thing—regardless of whether that’s true or not, there is no actual truth in that statement.

You don’t get to objectively decide if you’ve prepared enough. You subjectively decide. There is no fact to it—it’s just a decision you make about whether or not you’re prepared enough.

And if you’re like most high-achieving women, you’ve probably never gotten to the end of your day and thought:

“I did enough today. I prepared enough today. I’m going to nail it tomorrow. I don’t need to prepare anymore. I’ve got this down.”

Your brain has probably never offered you those types of thoughts.

Why Negative Thinking Feels Useful

The problem is this kind of negative thinking—

“I didn’t do enough.”
“I should have prepared more.”
“I didn’t prepare enough.”

—has actually worked in the past. And that’s why it’s a problem.

It has pushed you to log back on after hours, which is probably the very thing you don’t want to be doing at the end of the day.

But that line of thinking has gotten you to prepare more, go over those slides one more time, and make little incremental tweaks here and there.

The Brain’s Faulty Success Equation

So, essentially, your brain has now equated negative thinking, negative self-talk, and that mental whip with being a driver of success.

In other words—your brain thinks it works.

Another Example: The Self-Declared People Pleaser

Let me give you another example—this is from another one of my clients. She’s a people pleaser.

Self-declared, right? Is that even a phrase? Yeah, self-declared.

She works in HR, and her schedule is always filled with meetings—back-to-back-to-back meetings. It’s rare for her to have large chunks of her day that aren’t filled with meetings. Sure, she gets little pockets here and there—15, 20, maybe even 30 minutes—but it’s never enough to get her actual work done. Because of that, she ends up working late a lot—logging back on at night, working weekends—just to get through her tasks and her to-do list.

The Thoughts That Force a “Yes”

When she started working with me, she told me she accepts every meeting request that comes in.

Why? Because in that moment her brain tells her:

“If you don’t say yes, you’re not going to be a good manager. They really need something from you. You’ll get out of touch if you don’t accept that meeting. They’ll think you’re unreliable, not part of the team. They’ll think you’re not good at your job. They’ll be disappointed and feel disconnected from you.” Of course, none of those thoughts are objectively true. But when a meeting request comes in and her brain “whips” her by saying, You’re not going to be a good manager if you decline, she says yes. That simply reinforces her belief that being a good manager and good at her job means always being available and saying yes to every meeting.

The Result: Overcrowded Schedules and Overwork

The result? An overcrowded schedule with way too many meetings that aren’t really her priority.

Because of that, she can’t get through her work during the workday, which causes her to overwork—logging in after her kids go to sleep, working on weekends, and doing whatever it takes to get the job done.

Why Success Without Happiness Isn’t True Balance

In other words, the negative self-talk has pushed you to achieve more and driven you to be successful—but it hasn’t made you happy. In this Ambitious and Balanced Working Mom community that you are a part of—just by listening to this podcast, and hopefully by joining a future cohort—we are about both success and happiness. You cannot experience work-life balance without both. You have to feel successful at what you do—feel like your work matters, like you’re making an impact, and that you’re valuable to your company.

And you have to feel like life isn’t always about work—like there is fun, giggles, smiles, rest, and time when you are literally not working.

To feel balanced, you must have both.

Drop the Story That Self-Criticism Is Your Driver

To create a life where success and happiness coexist, you cannot be constantly criticizing and berating yourself internally.

Your internal dialogue needs to be kinder, more supportive. That means dropping the story that negative self-talk and self-criticism are what have made you successful.

The reality is, you would have likely been even more successful without that constant inner whip.

Four Reasons Negative Self-Talk Hasn’t Made You Successful

  1. Your best ideas don’t come when you’re feeling bad about yourself. The ideas most connected to vision, purpose, values, and goals come when you feel confident—not under pressure and force.

  2. You perform at your best when you feel confident and self-assured. Walk into a meeting feeling prepared and certain, and you’ll contribute more, speak up more, and offer better ideas.

  3. A large part of success is happiness. Achievement without joy isn’t true success—it’s burnout with a fancy title.

  4. You’d never want your kids to talk to themselves this way. If you wouldn’t tell your children that internal berating is the price of success, you don’t need to live that way either.

The Big Question: What If You Dropped the Story?

At this point, I’ve painted the picture of how negative self-talk has been internalized as a driver of success—and why that’s not actually true. When I ask clients, What would happen if you dropped this story right now? they often freeze. The fear is that without it, they’ll fail, become lazy, grow complacent, or lose relevance.

Negative self-talk has become your go-to mechanism because your brain has connected it to success. But it’s only one of many drivers you can draw on to move into action. If you dropped it, you’d start tapping into other, more sustainable motivators—and I’d argue you’d be even more successful.

Five Healthier Drivers of Success

Inside the Ambitious and Balanced cohort, we identified five:

  1. Urgency – Yes, deadlines work, but you can also create urgency by connecting to purpose.

  2. Purpose – When something feels deeply important, motivation comes naturally.

  3. Pain points – Discomfort can spark change and drive action.

  4. Fun – Enjoyment boosts dopamine, which increases focus, energy, and creativity.

  5. Goals – Clear, meaningful destinations keep you moving forward.

It’s Time to Let Go of the Whip

Working moms, it’s time to stop telling yourself the story that your success has come from self-criticism and negative self-talk. That story has likely held you back from what really matters: happiness, joy, presence, and connection. If this feels like an identity shift and you don’t know where to start—because your internal dialogue has been so heavy for so long—that’s where coaching comes in.

Over six months of 1:1 work together, I’ll help you:

  • Identify what makes you amazing at your job

  • Own what makes you unique

  • Flip negative stories into empowering truths

  • Release the imposter syndrome and constant need to prove yourself

Your Next Step

If this resonates, book a free breakthrough call to talk about ending negative self-talk, imposter syndrome, and the pressure to constantly prove yourself.

Go to RebeccaOlsonCoaching.com/book to schedule. I promise—when you change the inside, the outside changes almost instantly.

Let’s end the self-criticism. Let’s get out of the negative self-talk. You don’t deserve it, and you don’t need it to succeed.

Rebecca Olson