Work Is Important. So Is Family. Now What?

Follow the show:

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Everywhere else 

 

What if the constant tug of war between your work and your family isn't actually a problem, but a sign that you're doing something right? In today's episode, I'm challenging the belief that your priorities are always in competition and offering a powerful reframe that just might change the way you think about your entire working mom life. Because maybe, just maybe, having multiple priorities is actually a gift. Let's talk about what it really means to live a full life as a working mom and how to stop feeling guilty for wanting more than just one good thing. Are you ready? Let's get to it.  

Topics in this episode:

  • Why competing priorities aren’t a problem—they’re a privilege 

  • A floodlight vs. flashlight perspective shift on your life 

  • Real client stories that show how hard decisions aren’t always black and white 

  • How to reframe guilt into gratitude for having multiple good options 

  • Reflection questions to adopt a more empowering mindset around priorities

Show Notes & References:

Enjoying the podcast?

Transcript

Intro

What if the constant tug of war between your work and your family isn't actually a problem, but a sign that you're doing something right? In today's episode, I'm challenging the belief that your priorities are always in competition and offering a powerful reframe that just might change the way you think about your entire working mom life.

Because maybe, just maybe, having multiple priorities is actually a gift. Let's talk about what it really means to live a full life as a working mom and how to stop feeling guilty for wanting more than just one good thing. Are you ready? Let's get to it.

Welcome to the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms podcast, your go to resource for integrating your career ambitions with life as a mom, I'm distilling down thousands of coaching conversations I've had with working moms just like you, along with my own personal experience as a mom of two and sharing the most effective tools and strategies to help you quickly feel calm, confident, and in control of your ambitious working mom life. You ready? Let's get to it.

Competing Priorities: The Working Mom’s Constant Dilemma

Hey. Hey, working moms. Today on the podcast, I wanna talk about competing priorities. And this topic came up because I was having a conversation with one of my clients last week about an opportunity that came to her to speak at a last-minute event — which would be very prestigious, and it would be really good press for her. It truly is a great opportunity.

But it was happening in the middle of her week-long vacation with her family — a vacation she was looking forward to, that her body and her brain kind of really needs, and she was longing for. And so she felt torn, right? Take the career-building opportunity or spend much-needed time with the family.

I Couldn't Wrap My Brain Around Leaving Her

I remember when my daughter was about a year and a half and I was still part-time, working as an event logistics manager — just at the same time I was building my coaching business and I was offered this opportunity to take a five-day event. It was with a company that I really wanted to work for that would inevitably lead me to more work. But it would require me to be away from my daughter for five nights — something that I truly could not wrap my brain around at that time.

I have another client who has a whole lot of travel involved in her job. And a good portion of her travel is actually sort of optional, because she gets to just decide where she travels to. But it is highly, like, highly suggested by her boss that she takes as many travel opportunities as possible. Not only because it's good for her company, but it's really gonna hone her skills — which is what she's gonna need in order to take the next step that she wants to take in her career. But she doesn't really want to be away from her family that much. Should she take the career advancement opportunity? Or should she stay home and just kind of snuggle in with her one-and-a-half-year-old — the people that she loves the dearest and the most in her life?

Deadlines vs. Dinner Time

I'm sure you have one of these examples in your own life. We can even talk about it from an angle of everyday life, right? Where there's competing priorities that you feel, when you have a deadline coming up and you feel that urge to work later than usual, in which case the competing priority is: meet the deadline with ease, or be present with your family.

Or if you have a day of meetings and you just didn't get done everything that you really wanted to get done today, and you feel like you want to work over the weekend in order to check some things off the list and get ahead — in which case you have competing priorities about getting ahead and feeling on top of your work, or resting and spending time with your family on the weekend.

Every day you make decisions to prioritize some things and not others. And so often for us, as ambitious working moms, it can feel like the priorities at home are in competition with the priorities at work, right? On the work side of things, you have: meet deadlines, get back to people in a timely manner, stay on top of your work, be an engaged leader, be prepared for meetings and presentations. And then on your home side, you have: be present, feel calm and connected with your kids, don't snap at them, be available to them, plan fun activities, demonstrate rest and self-care and healthy eating, right? Competing priorities just sort of feel like a way of life for us as ambitious and busy working moms.

“It Feels Like a Problem, But It’s Not”

And yet, what I see from a lot of women that I work with is this sort of negative judgment about the fact that work and home feel at odds with one another — like it's a problem. And I know in the moment, like in the crucial moment when you have to decide if you should take that speaking opportunity or go on a last-minute business trip because it's good for your career, or work a little later tonight in order to meet a crucial deadline I know in these crucial moments it feels like a problem, right?

Everything inside of you feels torn about what to do. On some level, your brain likes to generalize that moment. It's like, well, do I either advance my career and feel successful in my career, or do I be a good mom? Isn't it amazing how our brain really likes to always come back to this? It’s like it's either-or. But of course, it really isn't that black or white, as our brain likes to make it out to be.

Having Multiple Priorities is Actually a Good Thing

And the reality is and this is actually the reframe that I really want you to take away from listening to this podcast episode today the reality is that having multiple priorities is actually a good thing. The fact that you have two good things to choose from is really, really good. And in fact, I would argue that you wouldn't want it any other way.

To help my clients reframe the way they think about this, I'll often argue the other side. They'll tell me something like, “Well, I just feel so overwhelmed with work, like there's just too much to do and not enough time.” And I'll say, “Well, why is that a good thing — that you have so many things to do and not enough time to do them at work?”

And, of course, after a little bit of discussion and a little bit of hemming and hawing about it, it always comes down to this. They'll say, “I wouldn't want it any other way. Because otherwise, I'd be bored. And if my to-do list wasn't filled with things to do, it would mean I have less opportunity and that I would be less valuable to my company. Maybe even my job would be on the line if there wasn't enough for me to do.” Right? Yes, of course.

You’re in Demand. You Have Options.

So you can actually choose to think about the busyness at work kind of competing against the priority for you to have rest and family time, or you can choose to see it as a really good thing. Because it indicates that you're in demand, that upper management trusts you, that you have lots of opportunity.

Can you feel the difference?

To my client last week who was offered the opportunity to speak — she could choose to see the opportunity as directly in competition with her family's vacation. Or she could see that she is highly sought after and has reached a point in her career where she gets to choose between two good things: a restful family vacation, or a speaking opportunity. Because there really isn’t a right or wrong when it comes to deciding between two good priorities.

She could easily make the argument for why she should take the speaking opportunity and how it would advance her career even further and open up opportunity. And she could easily make an argument for why she should turn it down — and why having a restful vacation with her family is really the right decision for her. I bet both arguments in her mind sound really compelling. Because neither is right or wrong.

But your ability to make a powerful decision where you don't feel guilty, where you don't feel torn, where you don't feel like you're making the wrong decision no matter what you choose that's going to get infinitely easier for you to do when your brain stops seeing your priorities as being in competition with one another.

The Flashlight vs. Floodlight View of Your Life

If you remember the podcast episode I did about a month ago, I spoke about a tool I use with my clients and I'll find it and put it in the show notes for you. But I talked about this metaphor. I call it the Floodlight Flashlight. Or maybe I say it the other way around actually, the Flashlight Floodlight.

In this case, the flashlight view here is that your work and your home priorities are in competition. But the floodlight view is: What an amazing life I have because I have so many good things that I want to do. Because you have so many priorities that are going to help you to make a big impact in the world. Because you have multiple goals that are worth going after. Because you have an overflowing amount of opportunity.

Having competing priorities means that you're never going to get bored. It means that there will always be something challenging to do. That your calendar is always going to be full of commitments that are worth doing. The Floodlight View reframes the idea that your priorities are in competition — and instead it sees it from the positive side of being someone that has multiple priorities as a good thing.

You're Not Always Going to Feel Good About the Tradeoff and That’s Okay

Now look, I am not suggesting that reframing your priorities in this way is actually going to make you feel magically happier about the decision. Meaning, if you decide to stay late to complete a project at work, you're probably not going to feel happy about trading off your family time, right? Or if you say no to a networking event that you know would be useful for you and your career so that you could be home with your kids at bedtime, you probably aren't going to feel super happy about that.

Or if you decide to take the board seat, or the speaking opportunity, or the stretch project, all of which is going to take some additional time away from your personal life there will likely be a part of you that feels sad about that, right? Sad about the tradeoff of not being with your family, of not having that personal time, of not being able to prioritize your friendships or your community in the way that you want.

When you make a decision between two good things even though you're in a much better place than if you were deciding between two bad things it still doesn’t feel great. Trading off one good thing for another thing, whether that’s family time instead of work or work opportunity instead of family time that tradeoff still probably feels bad. But when you have a floodlight perspective that multiple priorities means that you're living a full, ambitious, goal-focused life that's when you're going to stop feeling guilty about it.

You're going to stop feeling like you're a bad mom or a terrible employee, depending on what you choose. You're going to stop labeling yourself as doing something wrong or not being good enough. Essentially, you're going to strip out all of the self-judgment and shame about the decision.

You Don’t Have to Apologize for Having a Full, Ambitious Life

You don't have to apologize, or feel guilty, or feel not enough because you have an ambitious, full working mom life with lots of priorities in it. You have to remember that the goal, once you become a mom, is twofold. And this is one of the very important concepts that I teach, right?

  1. It’s about advancing your career in a way that feels aligned and fulfilling.

  2. And it’s about being a great mom.

Your goal is twofold, which means that both have to move forward simultaneously in order to feel successful. And when one does not — meaning, you feel like you're failing as a mom or you're failing your family in some way, or you feel like you're sort of failing at work and not giving it your all — then when one is failing, they're both failing. Right? It's a twofold goal. So what that means is when it comes to deciding your priorities and living a sustainably balanced life it means that sometimes you choose your work advancement opportunities, because that's important to you. And sometimes you don’t. Because you want both to be successful. Both goals to move forward simultaneously.

Reflection Exercise: Thought Adoption for Working Moms

If this episode is striking home for you, and you’ve been someone that is constantly feeling at odds with your priorities feeling like it's either work or home then I have a few reflection questions for you.

And this comes from a tool that I've developed. I call it Thought Adoption. And it's essentially when you decide to think things on purpose and sort of convince your brain to think a certain way about a situation. In this case, we want your brain to think differently about your competing priorities. We want your brain to stop thinking that work and home are at odds with one another, and start believing that having multiple priorities is actually a good thing and that it indicates a really full life with lots of things that are super important to you.

So, I want you to do a little Thought Adoption exercise if this is hitting home. Take out a paper and a pen or a journal or if you're not the writing type, that's fine. Just take your best friend out for a drink and have an intentional conversation by answering one of these two questions:

  1. How is it true that my work and home priorities are not at odds with one another?

  2. How is it true that having a long to-do list and multiple priorities is exactly the life I want?

The goal is to open up the floodlight to another view of yourself, of your life, of your priorities so that you stop feeling guilty, so that you stop feeling like taking an opportunity at work makes you a bad mom, so that you stop feeling drained all the time by having to consistently make competing priority decisions. There's never a right or wrong to how you choose to live your life and what you choose to prioritize. I just want to make sure that you love your reasons for whatever you decide.

Free Workshop: The Top 5 Myths Keeping Working Moms Stuck

In this episode, we've spent a little time debunking the myth that work and home are at odds with one another. And if you haven’t heard, I’m actually giving a whole workshop on the Top 5 Myths That Keep Working Moms Feeling Overwhelmed and Out of Balance.

We’re going to dive deep into some of the mindsets that truly hold women back from experiencing joy and fun and success as a working mom — and I would love for you to be there. I’m hosting the workshop multiple times in the coming weeks, all leading up to my next cohort of Ambitious & Balanced, which launches in the middle of May.

If you want to sign up for this free training, you can go to: www.ambitiousandbalanced.com/5myths that’s the number 5 myths. And of course, I’m going to put that in the show notes for you.

You’re Not Failing — You’re In Demand

Working moms, your big, full, ambitious life has lots of priorities in it. It’s not a bad thing. It doesn’t make you less successful. It doesn’t make you less ambitious. It doesn’t mean that you’re failing at work or at home. It just means that you’re a kick-ass mom who’s in demand.

Book Your Free Breakthrough Call

Alright, working moms I look forward to hearing how you’ve reframed your story of your competing priorities. And until next week let’s get to it. The next step to getting unstuck and having more days where you bounce out of bed, feeling certain that you’re doing exactly what you want to be doing, regaining your confidence, ending all of that negative chatter in your head is to book a free breakthrough call.

This is a strategy call where I will guide you through setting a vision for the life that you want to lead as a working mom. And then I’ll lay out a plan for exactly how we will achieve that together through one-on-one coaching. You can book that call by going to: www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/book

Alright, working moms let’s get to it.

Rebecca Olson