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What happens if you were raised by a stay-at-home mom (and that is not what you have chosen to do) or the way you see other working moms balance life is not working for you?
When you want to do things differently than your parents or peer group, and you have no examples on how to do it, there are two specific questions your brain needs you to answer to ensure you are making the right decision and there will be no regrets.
Your brain is craving direction, and in today’s podcast, I walk you through exactly what you need to do in order to feel clear and confident in your decision to work and to live regret-free. And I’ll also cover what it takes to be an amazing parent despite not having more time with your kids.
Topics in this episode:
The challenges of being an ambitious career-focused women raised by a stay-at-home parent
What happens when you want to do things differently than your parents or peer group?
How to wake up every day with certainly you are doing what is “right”, despite doing it differently than your parents or others
2 questions your brain needs answers to if you are going to live a regret-free working mom life
The importance of refocusing on what is “right” for you
A specific journaling exercise to redirect your brain from what you are missing out on by not being a stay-at-home mom
More time with your kids does not make you a better mom
Show Notes & References:
If you’ve been considering taking a break from work but aren’t sure if that’s what you really want, I can help. In coaching, you will make a confident decision on what you want to do with your career and feel clear on why so you don’t have any regrets. Learn more about the process, here: www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com
Want ongoing support as a working mom? Sign up for the free 19-day audio series: How to be a present and connected mom. Each day you will receive an email with a downloadable audio of 5 minutes or less that will teach you a tool or strategy for being more present and in the moment. Click here to sign up and receive the first audio: https://www.ambitiousandbalanced.com/be-present-optin
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Transcript
Intro
What happens if you were raised by a stay-at-home mom? Or if you just don't have examples of what it means to be a successful working mom that prioritizes her family?
This is a challenge that comes up for many of my clients. Either they were raised by a stay-at-home mom and that's not what they've chosen to do or the way they see other working moms balance life is just not what they want either.
When you want to do things differently than your parents, or even your peer group, and you have no examples on how to do it, there are two specific questions your brain wants you to answer to ensure that you're making the right decisions and there'll be no regrets.
Number one, is being a working mom the best thing for me and my family? And number two, am I still a great parent despite also having a career?
Your brain is craving the answers to these questions, and in today's podcast, I'm walking you through exactly what you need to do to answer them with certainty.
You ready? Let's get to it.
Welcome to the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms podcast, the place for women who want to balance their ambitious career goals with their life as a mom. If you're looking to feel more confident, decisive and productive at both work and home, then this is the place for you. I'm your host, Rebecca Olson. Let's get to it.
Hello, working moms. Now, there is a conversation that comes up, not with every client, but with enough that it felt like something that was really worth addressing here on the podcast today. And that is the challenges of being an ambitious working mom that was raised by a stay-at-home mom.
Now, that might not be your experience. It wasn't mine. But I want to make sure this podcast is relevant to you, too. So, although I'll be talking about the challenges of being raised by a stay-at-home mom, I want you to relate this to your own context. Because we were all raised by someone, right? A parent, a grandparent, an aunt, an uncle, a brother, a sister, a loved one. Heck, a bunch of those people. We were raised by a village, and our upbringing has an effect on how we show up today as a parent or as a working parent.
If you were raised by a stay-at-home mom, you may not have a working model for how to balance work and motherhood.
Now, the reason I think this particular conversation about being raised by a stay-at-home mom comes up a lot with ambitious working moms is really for two reasons. The first one is, if you were raised by a stay-at-home mom, you don't have an example of what it's like to be a working mom.
If you were raised by a stay-at-home mom, their focus was mostly on you, on their kids. Now, for a lot of stay-at-home moms, they drop off their kids, they pick up their kids from school, they make their lunches, they help with their homework, they taxi them around to different activities, right? At least, stereotypically, that's what we think of on some level.
And yes, I am stereotyping. Obviously, not all stay-at-home moms operate this way, do all of these various tasks and things like that. And obviously working moms do, in fact, do some of these things as well. So do working dads. But for the sake of this episode, if you were raised by a stay-at-home mom, then you had a mom that was ultimately more available to you throughout your day.
She didn't have a split focus like you may feel like you do, where you're trying to balance your ambitious career with your duties and responsibilities of being a mom. And because you had a stay-at-home mom who was more singularly focused on you and being available to you, as an ambitious mom who's either choosing not to be a stay-at-home mom or just simply can't afford that lifestyle, you don't know then how to do it.
If you were raised by a stay-at-home mom, it feels like what made your mom successful at raising you and the family was the sheer fact that she wasn't working. And since that's not your reality, right? You're not sure what to do. So that's one reason why this comes up for my clients.
It’s common for ambitious working moms that were raised by stay-at-home moms to feel guilt.
Another reason why this comes up is there's this feeling of wrongness. On some level, it feels wrong to not be home with your kids. A lot of ambitious working moms that were raised by stay-at-home moms experience this deep level of guilt as if you're choosing your career over your kids. Because it feels like that sometimes, doesn't it?
It wasn't what your mom did. It feels like you're choosing your career over your kids. And because of that, it feels like the right way to do it is the way that your mom did it. Either because you don't want to do it that way or you can't do it that way, it feels like you're failing as a mom and you're failing your kids.
Even if you weren't raised by a stay-at-home mom or parent, likely you still probably experience some of these feelings of failure as a parent, particularly when it differs from the way you were raised and the way you were parented. And there's a reason for this.
Our brains like things to feel familiar and comfortable. And the most familiar way to raise your children is the way you were raised by your parents. It's our brain's default to want to parent in the same way we were parented. Now, of course, we all hate the idea of becoming our parents and the idiosyncrasies and tendencies that remind us of our parents. That probably sends a little shiver down your spine, right? It is still the most familiar to us, and our brain thrives on comfort and familiar.
The true challenge is finding clarity.
So whether you were raised by a stay-at-home mom or not, this is what the challenge all comes down to, clarity. It's all about a decision on what is right for you. Whether you were raised by a stay-at-home mom or not, your brain wants to know with certainty that the decisions that you're making, particularly the decisions that pull your time and your energy and your focus away from your kids, are right.
Your brain wants to know that you're doing things right. Your brain wants to know that you're not messing up your kids. Your brain wants to know that you're a good mom and that you're doing right by them. Your brain is craving clarity. Your brain also wants to know if you're raising your children correctly, which is slightly different. Your brain wants to know that your approach to parenting is right and good and in service of your kids.
The fear of regret can be weighty for ambitious working moms.
Now, I think one of the biggest fears that ambitious working moms have is regret. It's regretting that the time and the effort and the sacrifice put into your career is going to be worth it. And it's one of the top reasons why working moms come to me for coaching. They don't want regret in their life.
I spoke to a woman just a few weeks ago. She's pregnant with her first. She's the first female director in her organization, and she's the first to be pregnant and have a maternity leave at this senior level. She also self-admitted to me that she over-prioritizes work, always has, and she feels super nervous about having a baby.
So in our conversation, she talked about if she should take an extended maternity leave, like, for a year, because she didn't want to regret not being present for her baby in their first year of life. But on the flip side of that, she talked about regretting, kind of, missing a year of work. She feared that she would be perceived as kind of not good enough if she took a year off.
This amazing, amazing woman that has worked so hard to get where she's at in her career at a young age doesn't want to lose the momentum, and she wants to do right by her kid. Her brain is just craving clarity. It's craving direction. It wants to know that whatever decision she makes is going to be the right one for her.
I think of my client, Lindsay. I don't believe it was Lindsay that was raised by a stay-at-home mom. I actually think it was her husband. And so there's this tension, not just between Lindsay and her husband, but between Lindsay and her mother-in-law, around what's best for their daughter.
Because that's another challenge, right? When you have kids, there's lots of people that have opinions about what you should do and how you should raise them and how you should parent them.
And for Lindsay, her brain just was in this constant state of confusion. As the provider of her family, at least at this very moment, she didn't have the option to not work. And after coaching with me, she really decided that she wanted to work. But every day she was faced with opposition to that, with loved ones that told her that she should be spending more time with her daughter, that she was missing out, right? That her priorities were misaligned.
Every day she had to wake up and make a decision that providing for her family, going to work in the way that she was, and furthering her career just because she wanted to, and raising her daughter in the way that she saw fit, that that was right for her.
And I know just last week I shared my own story as a working mom. If you didn't hear it, I felt like I poured out my heart in that one. So definitely, I encourage you to go back and listen. But one struggle that was very prominent for me was leaving my daughter every day to go to work. I would drop her off at daycare. And just to be clear, I had a really amazing daycare. I loved our daycare. I loved the care that she got there. I would never change that for the world. But every day, I would drop her off and I would cry.
I didn't talk much about that in my story, but there was this conflict that was within me. I did not want to be a stay-at-home mom, and yet it felt like everything I was doing wasn't right. The only way to be a good parent or to be the parent I wanted to be, it felt like, was to not prioritize my career. And that felt wrong, too.
In order for you to create a balanced life, it has to feel like the choices that you're making are right. Whether you're raised by a stay-at-home mom, or a stay-at-home dad, or two working parents, or a single parent, or grandparents. Whatever it is, whatever's influenced your way of thinking about parenting, if you're doing things differently, and likely you are, at least in some capacity, your brain needs to know that you're doing it right and that you're making the right decisions for you, and particularly for your family.
“Rightness” is subjective and you get to decide what is right for you.
So here's the challenge. “Rightness.” I'm going to use quotes here. “Rightness” is completely subjective. You just get to decide what's right for you. Just like your mom or whoever raised you made decisions for what was right for them. This is why developing your internal compass, like the work that I do in coaching, is so important, because it actually puts words to that feeling of rightness for you. It takes the mystery out of it.
An equation for regret…
What I don't want you to do is make any kind of big changes in your life, whether that's pulling back in your career, or taking a year off, or even getting promoted and moving up in your career, without a sense of certainty that it's right for you. That is an equation for regret.
I like to think of regret as being a lack of confidence in yourself and your decision making, plus a lack of clarity. That is the equation of regret. And as your coach, at least right here in this podcast, I say, “No way, not in this ambitious and balanced community. You are a successful and ambitious woman. You can decide with certainty what is right for you and live a life that is not filled with regret.”
Two steps to gaining clarity...
Okay, so we're circling back here to two areas of clarity that are necessary in order for you to live the ambitious and balanced life that you want. Two decisions that your brain really wants to know are right. The first one is your decision to work. The second one is how you are deciding to parent while choosing to work.
So let's start with number one. If you were a woman that was raised by a stay-at-home mom, your mom decided not to work. It was what was right for her. You have decided to be a working parent.
A little side note here. I want to give a little caveat because I know what some of you are thinking. I could read your mind. I know some of you are thinking that you don't have a choice, that if you had the option to not work, that you would do, that you have to work.
So here's what I want to offer to you. I'm making these numbers up, but I'm going to say 99% of you listening and probably 95% of other women out there, this truly is a decision. You don't have to work. If you lost your job today and there was no prospect of you getting another job, you would figure out how to make it work. Whether that was through financial assistance from the government, or adding debt to you, or moving in with a family member, or downsizing in some way, or cashing out all of your retirement and savings, you would make a decision on how to survive and have food in your belly. Even if it wasn't the kind of food you'd really like to eat, even if it was Top Ramen every day, going back to the college years, or if you had to move in with family members and that would be like the absolute last thing you would ever want to do, you would still do it in order to survive.
You always have an option. You're deciding to work, whether that's because you want to or because the trade off of not working. In other words, the lifestyle changes that you would have to make in order to make the housing situation happen, or all of the other sacrifices, that's not worth it to you.
So if you have that little voice inside of your head that's saying, I wouldn't work if I wouldn't have to, I want to challenge that. I don't think it serves you to be thinking that. What you really don't want is to sacrifice your lifestyle or your future life or lifestyle to be a stay-at-home mom right now. And that's a good decision. That's the right decision for you if that's the decision you're making for yourself.
Guilt and indecision stems from focusing on the negatives instead of the positives.
Okay, so you're choosing to work because either you truly want to, or because the trade offs of not working are too great for you. Both are legitimate reasons. I want you to spend some time thinking about why you're making that choice. I want you to focus on all of the things you gain that you get from working. Not just the financial gain, but, you should definitely be thinking about all those things and listing those things, too. But the internal gain.
What do you gain as a person because you work? How is your identity and your sense of self enhanced because you work? The point of this exercise is to focus your brain on all of the things that you get because you work. Because if you're questioning if you should really be not working at all, if you should be a stay-at-home mom or go part-time or something like that, it's because your brain is focusing on all of the loss, the lost time that you're never getting back with your kids, the lost memories, the lost first moments. Those are trade-offs that you're making to have a career.
And if you're feeling guilty and questioning yourself and your decision to work, it's because your brain is likely focused on all of those things, on all of the things you're missing out on, instead of all of the things that you're gaining, all of the enhancements, all of the things that you get and your family gets and your future gets because you work.
Now, I'm not suggesting that those trade offs aren't there. We're not going to trick your brain into thinking that there aren't trade offs. You literally are trading off time that would otherwise be spent with your kids in order to have a career and to be the working mom that you want to be. Those trade offs are real and true.
We just want your brain to also see all of the good that comes as well, because there's always good with bad and there's always loss with gain. Your job is to keep focusing and refocusing on all of the reasons why working and being a working mom is right for you.
I'll say it again, “rightness” is completely subjective. You just get to decide what is right for you. So it's your job to tell your brain what's right and why it's right.
You need to decide for yourself how you measure being a “good mom.”
Let's talk about number two. Your brain wants to be clear. It wants to be certain that the way you're choosing to parent your kids as a working mom is the right way. It's the best way.
Even as I said that word best, actually, I felt this little dissonance within me. Like, “Hold on, wait a second, Rebecca, is that really the best way? Would it be better if I was a stay-at-home mom? Would it be better if I wasn't working as much as I was working?”
If your brain is asking that just like mine did for just a moment there, it's your job to answer it. To answer the question your brain is asking. It's craving an answer. It's craving clarity.
Now I know for me, I could never be with my kids all day, every day. I mean, they're in school now, so that's not even possible. But when they were younger, I was a better parent because I worked. It allowed my brain to focus on more strategic problems and challenges. It used various talents and gifts that I had within me. It filled me up. It fueled me to come back and be more patient and loving and present with my kids.
You have to remember how much time you spend with your kids has nothing to do with how good of a parent you are. Just like, how much time you spend working has nothing to do with how good you are at your job.
What really makes you a good parent? That's the clarity your brain is craving right now. It wants to know you're a good parent even though you're working, which means even though you're not spending every day, all day, every hour, every minute that you possibly can with them.
Now, for me, let me answer that question for you, because when I think about what makes me a good parent, even though I work, it's this. I think about how present I am with them, how I'm constantly thinking about how to help them, how I can develop into a better parent so that they develop into better human beings. I research, I read, I listen to podcasts. I learn on what it means to be a better parent. That's actually something that makes me a good parent. It's somebody that's constantly learning and enhancing and growing as a parent.
I'm also always thinking about their emotional needs and what it takes to really teach them how to process their emotions in a healthy way, how to speak up and advocate for what they want.
My openness with them is also something that makes me a good parent. I listen. I listen when they talk back. I listen to what that story is behind what they're saying instead of constantly reacting to their tone or their attitude. I don't shy away from difficult conversations. I apologize when I get mad and when I yell. I remind them that my emotions and my responses are not their fault. My daughter likes to ask me, like, a million questions a day, and I answer every single one of them. And when I can't because I'm just too exhausted or I just don't want to answer one more question, I just let her know. I say, “Hey, one more question, and then I'm done right now.” And she's able to understand that and let it go.
I communicate with them. I tell them what I need. I let them tell me what they need. This is the way I show up as a parent. Whenever I am with my kids, whether that's 30 minutes in the morning, because that's all I get with them, or whether it's an hour in the evening because I have a bunch of other commitments or things to do, this is how I show up, and it's what makes me a good parent.
Your brain wants to feel certain about that, too. It wants to debunk the idea that spending more time with your kids would be better. So if it's not time, if you could be a stay-at-home mom and a working mom and be amazing. Be an amazing parent no matter what. What makes you amazing?
Whether you were raised by a stay-at-home mom or not, your brain is craving certainty. It wants to be certain that working is the right choice for you and your family. And it wants to be certain that you're a good parent, an amazing parent, even though you don't spend all your time with them during the day.
If you had a stay-at-home mom growing up, these questions likely need answers. They might even be more important for you, in particular, to answer them because your brain might need a little bit more reassuring because it doesn't have an example of what it looks like to be a successful working mom.
And in this case, when I say success, I mean success in that you have a successful career AND you also have a successful family life. Your kids are actually being prioritized. Even though you have a successful career and you feel like you're doing right by them and your family is not penalized because you work. That's really what success as a working mom means.
And your brain might need a little extra support in getting clear and certain that that's what you're doing. If you listen to this podcast today and your brain is sort of stuck in fear, fear of regret, fear that you're missing out and you need help finding clarity, you need to decide once and for all if you should keep working or if you should take a break and be a stay-at-home mom for a while.
If you want to develop your internal compass so you stop all the second guessing that's happening within you and you know that you know that you KNOW that the decisions that you're making right now are right and you'll never regret them. This is exactly what I do in coaching. By the end of just a few months, I will help you make a decision once and for all, around if you want to continue working or not.
I'll help you create an exit plan should you decide to take a break, if that's the best thing for you. And I'd say maybe ten to twenty percent of my clients that are coming to me with this question in their mind on whether they want to be a stay-at-home mom, I'd only say ten to twenty percent of them actually decide to be a stay-at-home mom. And if that's you, I'm going to help you create an exit plan. You're going to feel so certain about it, you'll know exactly what you need to do, how to implement it. We'll do all of that together so you'll have that support.
If you're like the majority of my clients that actually decide they want to continue to work, really what they want to learn how to do is learn how to deprioritize work so they don't work so many hours that they know how to shut down their work brain where they feel more fulfilled in their job. I'm going to help you learn exactly how to do that, how to prioritize differently, how to put up boundaries that you stick to, how to learn how to really shut down your work brain so you could be present with your kids. Either way, I'm here for you on a six month journey to having the regret-free life that you want as a working mom.
All right, get clear. Feel certain? Refocus your brain exactly on how you are doing things right because I know you are, working moms.
Until next week. Let's get to it.
Do you want to take your commitment to yourself a step further?
Schedule a free breakthrough call today!
Hey, before you go, I want to take a moment and tell you about an opportunity to speak with me directly. If you've been listening to this podcast and still feel like you need help balancing a fulfilling career with motherhood, then I encourage you to schedule a free breakthrough call.
On this call, we will get crystal clear on exactly what it is you want out of your career and how you want to balance that with motherhood. And then we'll craft next steps for you to start moving toward a more calm and fulfilling working mom life.
Head over towww.rebeccaolsencoaching.com/book to apply for this free call. ‘Til next week. Working moms, let's get to it.
