Last week I had an argument with my husband. This is extremely rare for us to actually raise our voices at each other, but this time we did. Or should I say I did. Yep…I flat out yelled at him.
My husband is currently unemployed, and doing a lot of soul-searching to figure out what is next for him. We both agree he’s exactly where he should be right now, searching this out, but it hasn’t been easy. And, as someone that loves him, I can see how he is doing everything wrong.
You might be asking…"wait, did I read that right?" Yes, you did. I know exactly how my husband should be living his life…or at least, I think I do.
Anyone else think they have all the answers for their husband?
Thankfully, I don’t struggle with this like I use to. In fact, I have consciously spent the last 12 years undoing this way of thinking. So this argument was sorta just a fluke. An old habit, creeping back in.
I’ve spent the last 12 years recognizing that people’s choices are their own choices and that they are neither right or wrong. People need to live their own life, and my constant interjection of opinion is robbing them of that opportunity. No one likes being told what to do. No one likes being told they’re wrong and no one changes unless they them self decide it’s time.
This was definitely a lesson I had to learn with my husband. I always believed that I was right and I rarely even entertained his opinion (because of course it was wrong). But once I learned this wasn’t creating a healthy marriage, I intentionally set out to change my thinking. But not just with him...with everyone.
I no longer see life as black-and-white or right and wrong. Instead I work to have a posture of curiosity, instead of criticism. But this wasn’t my natural tendency and it was a muscle I had to build up. I literally had to work at it.
So you can imagine, in this moment with my husband, as I was yelling at him telling him how he should live his life, I was a bit taken back. This isn’t who I am anymore. I don’t sit in criticism and judgement, like I once did.
In reflection on this, I can see my growth over the last 12 years. I can see how I consciously have trained my thoughts to turn from criticism to curiosity…particularly when it comes to myself.
Here are some ways, I can see my growth:
- I am not paralyzed by the idea of making a "wrong" decision.
- I allow everyone around me, myself included, to be authentically them.
- I don’t try to adjust who I am to fit what others around me want.
- I am more willing to fail, because it isn’t about right and wrong anymore.
- I care a lot less about what others think and can easily turn off social media when I feel self-criticism rising.
- I ask deeper questions and listen with others (instead of just to them).
- I’m kinder.
- I make decisions more quickly, because I am not going to get it wrong.
- I am quick to listen, rather than quick to anger.
Obviously, this moment with my husband was a small set back...but I was able to apologize and move back into a healthy posture of curiosity and love. He forgave me and everything is ok.
But this moment reminded me of how proud I am. I am proud of how I've changed my thinking. I'm proud of the person I have become.
How about you? Are you proud of you? If not, it is time to do some deep mindset shifting.
To shift out of right and wrong and into curiosity and love.
Send me a quick email and let me know if this resonates. I'd love to hear and I'd love to help! I've been where you are. I've had to learn how to deeply love myself and I have a step by step process I walk my clients through to help them do the same. Book a call if you're ready to reignite your confidence and become the better version of yourself!