Why Mental Load Hacks Don't Work for Working Moms (And What Does)

Follow the show:

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | YouTube | Everywhere else

You can delegate more, create better systems, and try every mental load hack out there, but what if none of that is actually fixing the problem?

In this episode, I'm diving into one of the biggest findings from my State of the Working Mom in 2026 research: why so many working moms struggle to sustainably let go of the mental load, even when they're doing all the "right" things. And here's the surprising part. It might have less to do with your partner or your to-do list and more to do with how you see yourself. I'm sharing my own experience, the identities that keep us holding on so tightly, and the shift that can finally help you release some of that responsibility without sacrificing the ambitious, capable woman you are. This one might change how you think about everything you're carrying.  

In this episode, we unpack: 

  • Why mental load hacks don't always stick 

  • The hidden connection between identity and overwhelm 

  • How being the "responsible one" keeps you carrying it all 

  • Why letting go doesn't make you less ambitious or successful 

  • The mindset shift that makes sharing the load sustainable  

Work with me:

Mental Load Hack Podcast Episodes: 

Transcript

Welcome to the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms podcast, your go to resource for integrating your career ambitions with life as a mom, I'm distilling down thousands of coaching conversations I've had with working moms just like you, along with my own personal experience as a mom of two and sharing the most effective tools and strategies to help you quickly feel calm, confident, and in control of your ambitious working mom life. You ready? Let's get to it.

Well, hello there, working moms. So I recently interviewed Micah Ross on the podcast just a few weeks ago, and she told us about a conversation that she had with her husband that I literally cannot stop thinking about.

She asked her husband to step it up more and take on more of the household management, including a lot of ownership of tasks. He said something to the effect of, "Honey, I'm doing so much more than any other dad I know. Cut me a break." To which she said back to him, "Yeah, but you're not doing anywhere near the amount that a mom does."

Ouch, total mic drop.

It's true, right? I would imagine most of us listening, if not all of you, would probably say the same thing, right? Even if you have an amazing partner who is really helpful and shares a lot of the load, is it really at the same level as you or as your working mom friends?

Working Moms Carry 71% of the Household Mental Load

The statistics really show it too. A study out of the University of Melbourne, excuse me, following 3,000 US parents found that mothers handle 71% of the household's mental load, more than double what fathers carry, and 79% of the daily constant tasks specifically.

This is not just a personality trait of us or our partners. This is the norm, at least in America, which is exactly why what we're going to talk about here on this podcast episode, it matters more than really anything we could talk about here.

Working moms, we are in the middle of a series called the State of Working Moms in 2026. Last week, I gave you an overview of the research interviews that I conducted earlier this year, which resulted in a report that I just put out.

Over the next six weeks, we're going to be diving into the six common themes that came out of these dozens and dozens of interviews that I hosted. The mental load is the first theme in the report, and it's probably not surprising to you that it's number one.

Why Mental Load Hacks Haven't Worked for Working Moms

But today, I want to talk about something that you might not expect. Why the mental load hacks that you have tried probably haven't stuck.

You can also download the report for free by clicking on the link in the show notes. It includes podcast episodes that I recommend and other tools I suggest based on what I found. So I highly, highly recommend that you grab that free report.

And earlier this year on the podcast, I did a series of mental load hacks, which I very much encourage you to go back and listen to. They were very practical ways of delegating more things off of your plate, either altogether or by how to let them go.

All the things that we typically hear when we think of sort of lightening the mental load. I dug into a bunch of those types of tools.

But here's the thing. I know some of you listened to that podcast episode. Maybe you tried a few different hacks. Maybe you have a couple of hacks on your own. And just like so many women who join the Ambitious and Balanced cohorts, either you fall back into old habits or those hacks are simply not enough.

For a lot of women who join my programs, what they've tried has just not been sustainable for them. And I can tell you exactly why. It has nothing to do with your partner. I've had plenty of clients who are single moms who have figured this out.

Yes, of course, having a partner who shares equally in the load or simply a tribe and a community, it's immensely helpful, but it's not the solution.

Why Mental Load Hacks Fail: Changing Your Habits Without Changing Your Identity

The reason the mental load hacks and the things that you've tried really haven't worked or haven't been sustainable for you is that you've been trying to change your behaviors and habits without changing the deeper identities that are attached to them.

In other words, you've been trying to change the what and the how without changing the who. And that never works in the long run.

So I want to use an analogy here that might feel a little bit odd. I think it's a little bit odd. But it's something that I think is really helpful. I think it's a little bit odd. But I think it's a little bit odd. I think it's a little bit odd. I think it's a little bit odd. I think it's a little bit odd.

So I want to use an analogy here that might feel a little bit odd. But my husband works in homeless services and has spent a good amount of time helping people through addiction recovery as a result of it.

The average person, really no matter what substance we're talking about, it takes them seven attempts at quitting before the sobriety finally sticks with them. And I'm like, why is that?

Of course, there are physical things going on in the body, right? The body purging of its connection and the various things that happen on a somewhat physiological level.

But beyond that, the reason why it takes so many attempts is they're trying to change their habits and behaviors without becoming the person who no longer wants or desires that addiction. Right? They try to change their actions without changing themselves.

Obviously, that's not very conscious, but it isn't until the person becomes someone new that they can truly stay sober.

Letting Go of the Identity of the Mom Who Does It All

And so I think this is true for us as women carrying the mental load. We need to let go of the identity of the person who carries it all, who does it all, who is responsible for it all.

The one who never fails, the one who never drops the ball, the one who doesn't need help from anyone else, who sees not being able to do it all as a weakness.

Until you focus on becoming someone new, any habit or behavior change simply won't be sustainable.

This is why so much of the first step in the Ambitious and Balanced process inside my cohorts is the clarity step. It's about getting clear on who you are, who you want to be in the future, and unmarbling old ways of thinking and old identities that are not helping you to share the mental load in the ways that you need to.

And I can hear what some of you are saying now, okay, because I literally have coached hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of women on this in my programs over the years. I can hear it, right?

"Well, even if I let some of these things go, my spouse or my partner or whomever is not going to pick it up."

And of course, that can be true. But what do you make that mean about you? What do you make it mean that there are simply things you choose not to do?

Letting Go of the Mental Load Starts With Redefining What Matters

Maybe what you choose not to do is care so much about having a tidy house. So what do you make a messy house mean about you?

I mean, of course, we all operate better in a clean environment, but at the end of the day, a consistently tidy house is probably not the highest priority for you. It's not the highest and best use of your time. So maybe you need to let it go.

You need to become someone who can achieve their goals in a messy house or in a clean house.

And a lot of my identity and the unmarbling I had to do was about being seen as responsible, being a responsible person, right? A responsible mom who was doing all of the "right things," right? A responsible partner.

Being responsible is something I highly value. And it certainly was how I was raised. It was a part of my family system, systems and structures that I learned growing up.

But at the end of the day, to truly let go of the mental load and share ownership and responsibility with my spouse, I have to let go of the idea that being responsible is tied to getting it all done, right?

Or to having a tidy house or having kids who don't melt down or who don't run around when they're not supposed to, or who aren't in all of the activities that my friends have their kids in, right?

You Can Be a Responsible Mom Without Doing It All

Who I am as a responsible person is not threatened by a messy house or how my kids behave or tasks that simply get dropped or invitations that we never respond to, right?

I still get to be a responsible person and let go of those things. Does that make sense?

So what I'm suggesting is that one of the reasons, maybe the main reason, that you hold so tightly to your mental load list and have such a hard time letting go and delegating or letting somebody else take ownership is that you are holding tight to an identity that really isn't serving you.

It's how you want to be seen or who you want to be, and it's sort of getting in the way.

Now, in the Ambitious and Balanced program, I work with my clients not only to identify who they want to be and who they need to be in the future in order to truly let go, but also to identify the identities that are getting in the way.

And then I offer lots of practical tools. Some of them I talked about here in that mental load hack series, but several of them kind of work at this identity level, and I walk you through all of those together with a high level of accountability. That's why the program works, really.

Why High-Achieving Working Moms Struggle to Let Go of Control

Maybe it's not about responsibility for you, right? That's the one for me. Maybe the identity that you need to work through is needing to be in control or being able to be seen as a high achiever, right?

For my high-achieving clients, which is almost all of you out there, right? It's why this podcast and my program is called Ambitious and Balanced, right?

Like reading a good book and going on a walk or doing something playful with your family. It's really hard for a woman whose identity is a high achiever because you're intentionally choosing in those moments not to achieve, right?

And in those moments, it can be that your identity feels very threatened by it. It makes sense.

Now, what I don't want you to think is that in order to lessen the mental load and give away ownership is that you have to become someone you're not. That's a fear a lot of my clients have, right?

You're not not going to be a high achiever. You're not not going to be irresponsible or not be responsible, right? You're not going to not be in control or be successful when you learn to lessen the load or share it or to truly give ownership, right?

These identities aren't going away. We're simply reframing the way you think about them because the way you think about them right now and the way you're embodying them today is not actually helping you be a high achiever who delegates well and lets go of responsibility and ownership.

Make 2027 the Year You Take Back Your Time, Energy, and Mental Space

One of the things I love about digging into these topics right now, particularly in this fall season, which is typically the busiest seasons for us as working moms, like from now until the holidays, you might identify with so many of these challenges that the working moms that I interviewed are experiencing, but 2027 doesn't have to look this way for you.

You don't want it to be a repeat of the stress and the exhaustion and the burnout of this year. One way, maybe the best way, the best opportunity I have for you to make sure it's different is for you to join my January cohort of Ambitious and Balanced.

This is my signature program for working moms who want to take back ownership of their time, of their energy, of their mental space so they can feel more present and don't have to choose between being a great mom and having a career that they love.

As you listen to the rest of this series, I hope it lights a fire in you. It lights a fire for you to take ownership and start unapologetically going after a working mom life that you truly, truly love.

I know this can feel a little bit confusing when we're talking about shifting identities, but the obvious next question I would have, and it totally makes sense, is how do you do this?

Maybe you can already identify which piece of your identity feels threatened, making it hard to sustainably let go and de-prioritize tasks and release the responsibility.

Maybe it's one of the ones I mentioned here today. Maybe you resonate with me about responsibility or it's about the need to be in control or to not be somebody that fails at something or to not be seen as weak, whatever that might be for you.

Stop Settling for Working Mom Burnout and Start Creating a Life You Love

This is exactly why I created Ambitious and Balanced. It has a proven framework in a small group format with high levels of accountability. If you're interested in exploring that more, there's a link in the show notes to schedule a 30-minute strategy call with me.

You can also, while you're in the show notes, make sure you download the entire State of the Working Mom 2026 report. It's free. I want you to have that resource to read through it, to see some of the supporting tools and podcast episodes that I suggest for you. I know, know, know that you're going to find that insightful and helpful.

Do head over into the show notes to find that report, to schedule a strategy call with me and working moms. We're going to continue to dig into over the next several weeks the themes that working moms are experiencing in 2026, but I also want you to know that you don't have to settle for it.

All right. That's what we're here to do. It's what I'm here to support you through. Until next week, let's get to it.

The State of the Working Mom 2026: The Truth About What Working Moms Are Carrying

Okay. I really need you to actually do this, like right now. Go download the full report of my 2026 interviews, the State of the Working Mom.

Here's why. I sat down with working moms and I asked them to just tell me the truth about their lives. I told them I was a filter, no highlight reel, and what came back cracked something open in me.

One woman told me she hadn't had a thought that was just hers in years because every single thought loops back to something she has to remember or someone she has to take care of.

Another said she gave her best hours to work and her kids get whatever's left, and most nights that's not very much. That's not a confession. That's like an average Tuesday for a lot of you that's listening right now.

If you've ever sat in your car for an extra two minutes before walking inside because you just need one second where nobody needs anything from you, then this report is going to feel like someone finally said it out loud.

And here's the thing I want you to hear before you even open it. You're not doing anything wrong. You are doing all of it inside a life that was never really built to hold everything you're carrying.

That's not an excuse. That's the truth. And once you see it, you can't unsee it.

Go get your report for free by going to the show notes, clicking on www.ambitiousandbalanced.com/research-guide

And keep listening because everything that's in that report is exactly what's going to shape the upcoming Ambitious and Balanced cohort that starts in January 2027. You're not going to want to miss it. All right. See you next week.

Rebecca Olson